I had a dream last night. A nightmare rather. I was running in a never ending road towards Aac Gux, then kicking the walls that suddenly appeared, then screaming into darkness, then back in my room hitting my pillow. I kicked Sissy and she woke up, soothing me, “It was just a bad dream, it’s okay.”
I really woke up. Reality. Sissy is still sound asleep next to me. And it’s not okay.
Everything has been a daze. I’m still trying to grasp what happened, reasoning, scenarios, questions run through and through. At the same time I find myself looking for anything to keep me busy and my mind from wandering back to A’gux. I feel so out of touch with the world, I almost missed my exit the other day. So much is taken out of me to get through the hour. Greatly appreciative of the condolences I’ve received from family and friends, they interrupt my efforts to focus on other things, and waves of shock hit me yet again. There are emotions I can’t put into words, screaming that doesn’t capture the anger and frustration inside, and feelings that my tears do no justice of.
Building up the smiles and the laughs. “Keep your composure Clara, composed, composed…” I repeat in my head. I want to pretend that things are normal. I pride myself in this actually, I am very good at hiding what’s truly inside. Show that I’m strong, because that’s what I am, a strong woman. But inside Lord, inside I’m broken. Until now I wasn’t aware a heart could ache like this. Until now I only thought I understood the word tragedy.
How did this even happen? I’ve never been one to ask God why? In this situation. All I’m asking is why? Why Grandma Lord, why? Why did it have to happen this way??!!! Why?
After I moved, I used to think she lived so far. Can that even be an excuse? In those moments we were together, they seem so seldom now…I was just beginning to have conversations with her about You. I was just beginning to tell her about Your love Lord. She even came to church with me the last time I was in town! It was easier before, to consider what happened to the souls of ones who haven’t accepted Your gift of salvation, but now…I don’t know how to accept that.
She raised, fed, and spoiled me. Questions of who her favorite grand-daughter was. Ha. It’s funny, but the whole family knew. She was a woman who emblematized kindness, courage, and love, everything you seek in a grandmother, and more. I see no other justified eternity besides Heaven. I’m not the one to decide. All I can do is hope. Pray. A faithful and just God You are Lord. You know her heart. My prayer ’til I can’t pray any longer, is that as I walk through those gates…she’ll be there waiting. Until then my heart will never be mended.
Rest In Peace A’gux. As much as a heart can love, that much I love you A’gux. I’ll be missing you…
